My plans for the next year of my life were simple. I was going to move in to a six-bedroom house with my Flatmates. I was going to ask out facebook-less girl. I was generally going to be a more confident person. Things were fine for the first week but then from Monday onwards it all came tumbling down like a game of extreme Jenga.
My flatmates got a four-person house secretly without telling me. I now had no housing situation and everyone else I knew already had plans set in place. In my own head I was homeless. Now this does tremendous things for the psyche. I started to examine reasons why they wouldn’t want to live with me. It can’t be anything to do with my household worthiness. I’m clean, I’m tidy and I own a sandwich
maker. That’s the dream in terms of a Housemate. So with that in mind it must be me. I must be the problem. My personality, the things I like, and the things I say. They must equal an annoying tri-fector that repels people. The other scenario that People I’ve spoken to suggest, is that my current flatmates are massive tools in need of sensitivity training ( did I mention I only found out about them getting a four bedroom because they were running up and down the hall celebrating when they got it) but I can’t be sure which reason is correct yet.Asking out the facebook-less girl went no better. She’s in a relationship so while I didn’t get out and out rejected I still left the conversation feeling like a fool. I started to thing about all the things that I’ve seen and that she’s said and in hindsight I can see she was in a relationship. I was just too damn oblivious to put the pieces together. I fear going to lecture on Thursday, pretending things are not awkward, despite the fact they definitely are.
Lastly I went to a party last night and started chatting to a girl around my age. She was ecstatic to meet me because she was tired of the abundance of 18/19 year olds that we face every day at the Uni. She was charming, Kind and modest and an all round delight but while we sat talking a secondary person joined the conversation. This man spoke to her with confidence that could have either stemmed from his handsome good looks or the aid of his alcohol. Regardless, with this in front of me I started to asses why I’ll always fail compared to the other guy. The fact that I look like a terminally ill Ewan McGregor or that I’ve not touched any alcohol for three years just left me feeling inadequate and eventually I made up an excuse and departed from the party deflated.
All week I’ve had trouble sleeping. Whenever I put my head on the pillow and close my eyes my brain starts up on all the problems. It devises scenarios that could have helped after the fact. Knowing that I could have said or done these things back then gets me even more downbeat because I know that I handled every real life scenario poorly. By examining my life I see that I’m not the kind of person that I wish I was but I also sadly see that there’s not much I can do about that. I can tell myself to run at a situation with the confidence of Robert Downey Jr but that’s not going to get the job done. At the end of the day I’m still me. I had no conclusion to this post, till I looked up the saying ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’ and saw another person had taken a run at it. Mark Twain said ‘The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the life too closely examined may not be lived at all’. So if I want to move on I need to stop thinking about everything that I do. Whether the unfortunate events of this week are my fault is not something I need to think about, And now that I’ve gotten those lingering feelings of doubt and self loathing out of my system and in to this blog I hopefully won’t. Well here’s hoping.
